Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Sort of a weird day today. I find myself curiously numb most of the time lately. I watch the world around me, I watch people talk, how they move, how they react, but I don't really feel like I'm a part of what goes on around me. I appear quiet and aquiescent to most people because I'm not really participating in this show. I'm just saying what they want to hear so they'll leave me alone so I can continue watching.

But, sometimes, being the true observer of human nature that I am, I shed my disguise of invisibility and will do something or say something to shake things up. Just to see how people react. Like the time I shoplifted when I was 14. I had ten dollars in my pocket. I tried to steal a 7 dollar pair of shoes. I wasn't really scared when I got caught. The cop that called my parents told them I was 'unrepentant'. Probably because I didn't cry or beg him not to call my parents. I just sat back and watched. When my father went ballistic, I didn't really notice. I just watched.

I wonder if this is how I was meant to live my life. The constant observer. It's a very comfortable position to be in. I mean, I feel things, but they never seem to cut deep. With everything that's happened to me, I should probably be in a mental ward, but instead, I still have this part of me that's completely untouched by everything. I have my issues to be sure and maybe this detachment is one of them. But, the truth is, the only times I ever really feel anything anymore is when I listen to music or write. And that scares the hell out of me.

I'm trying to get better. To work my way out of the audience and on to the stage. Anyhow, here is my song of the day. This one hits a nerve for so many reasons..

Elsewhere by Sarah MacLachlan

I love the time and between
The calm inside me
In this space where I can breathe
I believe there is a distance I have wandered
To touch upon the years of reaching out and reaching in.
Holding out and holding in

I believe this is heaven to no one else but me.
And I'll defend it long as I can be
Left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand?

I know this love is passing time
Passing through like liquid
But I'm drunk in my desire
I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out to hold me near

I believe this is heaven to no one else but me.
And I'll defend it long as I can be
Left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand?

Oh, the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
Of the mold that clings like desperation
Mother, can't you see I've got to live my life the way that's right for me.
Might not be right for you, but it's right for me.



Monday, November 11, 2002

More song posting because, well, this might just be one of the keys to unlocking the Crista-puzzle. Sometimes, I feel like I'm two people. One is the People Pleaser Crista who's terrified of displeasing anyone and who buries her feelings and pretty much feels like shit 90 percent of the time. The other is a more confident Crista, almost to the point of arrogance. She doesn't give a fuck who she hurts and doesn't let people step on her.

This dichotomy terrifies me at times. But, more and more, I see myself less and less as the little girl trying to make everyone happy and more and more this person who's losing those fears and becoming something else entirely. So many people seem to be frightened by this new incarnation. Jeff in particular. But... I kinda like it.

Sunday, November 10, 2002

Been awhile yet again since I posted. To be honest, it's been hard to post anything here. So many things happening in my life, so many disappointments built up to a point that I feel like I'm trying to break down a cast iron wall with a ball pin hammer. I've avoided so many subjects in this blog. Not really sure if I'm embarassed over them or if revealing them hurts too much. Am I whining? Yeah. I am.

Where to start? I think everything came to a head tonight over a song. See, on July 3rd, my mother skipped town. Completely left without a word. No one knows where she is. We now know why she did it, but that why doesn't really give any answers. My mother has a problem. I now understand why she fucked me and my sister up so much. She's pretty fucked herself. She'd been taking money from her boss for her compulsive gambling. Somewhere in the sum of 50, 000 dollars. It's hard to find the words to express how I feel. But this song did it for me. Here are some lyrics.

"Blast Off" by Danielle Spencer (very talented lady. Her CDs are a little difficult to come by, but her sound is a combination of Jewel and Old Tori Amos.)

I've been thinking about you lately.
Are you well as the years go by?
I guess I didn't really listen too well.
I'm kicking myself because I closed my eyes.

Five... four... three... (outta here)... two.. (stand clear) blast off.
Good-bye. Who flies?
Now if only you had wings.
My loss (I tried) You're gone. (She's high)
And finally on top of things.
And I would like to know
All of the reasons why
You flew out on a breeze.
Not so much as a good-bye.

Not one of those magic moments.
But I still try to understand.
You never did find the best solutions.
Did you think you were Superman?

Five... four... three... (outta here)... two.. (stand clear) blast off.
Good-bye. Who flies?
Now if only you had wings.
My loss (I tried) You're gone. (She's high)
And finally on top of things.
And I would like to know
All of the reasons why
You flew out on a breeze.
Not so much as a good-bye.

Are you holding a grudge, cause I am.
Till you tell me what it's all about.
I can hear you in the night sometimes.
Singing devil woman just to freak me out.

I wanna know what happened next.
After you fly with the wind on your face.
Were there any regrets?
Tell me what did you find?
I just wish I had known you were counting down.

Five... four... three... (outta here)... two.. (stand clear) blast off.
Good-bye. Who flies?
Now if only you had wings.
My loss (I tried) You're gone. (She's high)
And finally on top of things.
And I would like to know
All of the reasons why
You flew out on a breeze.
Not so much as a good-bye.


That sort of sums everything up. At least in regards to Mom. I doubt she reads this. Hell, I doubt anyone reads this at all. But, if by some miracle she does, I'd just like to tell her this.

Mom, I love you. I could never hate you no matter what you did. I hope you're safe and happy some how. I miss you.