Sort of a weird day today. I find myself curiously numb most of the time lately. I watch the world around me, I watch people talk, how they move, how they react, but I don't really feel like I'm a part of what goes on around me. I appear quiet and aquiescent to most people because I'm not really participating in this show. I'm just saying what they want to hear so they'll leave me alone so I can continue watching.
But, sometimes, being the true observer of human nature that I am, I shed my disguise of invisibility and will do something or say something to shake things up. Just to see how people react. Like the time I shoplifted when I was 14. I had ten dollars in my pocket. I tried to steal a 7 dollar pair of shoes. I wasn't really scared when I got caught. The cop that called my parents told them I was 'unrepentant'. Probably because I didn't cry or beg him not to call my parents. I just sat back and watched. When my father went ballistic, I didn't really notice. I just watched.
I wonder if this is how I was meant to live my life. The constant observer. It's a very comfortable position to be in. I mean, I feel things, but they never seem to cut deep. With everything that's happened to me, I should probably be in a mental ward, but instead, I still have this part of me that's completely untouched by everything. I have my issues to be sure and maybe this detachment is one of them. But, the truth is, the only times I ever really feel anything anymore is when I listen to music or write. And that scares the hell out of me.
I'm trying to get better. To work my way out of the audience and on to the stage. Anyhow, here is my song of the day. This one hits a nerve for so many reasons..
Elsewhere by Sarah MacLachlan
I love the time and between
The calm inside me
In this space where I can breathe
I believe there is a distance I have wandered
To touch upon the years of reaching out and reaching in.
Holding out and holding in
I believe this is heaven to no one else but me.
And I'll defend it long as I can be
Left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand?
I know this love is passing time
Passing through like liquid
But I'm drunk in my desire
I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out to hold me near
I believe this is heaven to no one else but me.
And I'll defend it long as I can be
Left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand?
Oh, the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
Of the mold that clings like desperation
Mother, can't you see I've got to live my life the way that's right for me.
Might not be right for you, but it's right for me.